Bit of a control freak
Lost in chaos
I don't function well in chaos. I don't function well with uncertainty. I don't function well when I can't understand things.
And I keep trying.
I keep trying to find the reason why I'm having trouble writing and dreaming.
I keep trying to make a definitive plan for the way my life will go.
I keep trying to control everything in my life that I possibly can.
And I sabotage myself.
I over-analyze my writing and that makes it even harder to write.
I overthink my struggles with music and it causes me to shut down.
I overanalyze the way I want my life to go and the things I feel should lead to that place, and it stresses me out and depresses me because for most of it, I have literally no control.
And I know I can't live live irresponsibly and throw caution to the wind.
I can't eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.
I can't live with no goals and no path.
And so I begin to overanalyze again.
I have to find the balance.
I have to learn to lean on God and let Him control my life.
I have to let go of what control I think I have and accept that His ways are higher than my ways.
I have to live responsibly and be a good steward of what God has given me, but I have to let Him take the reins...He has them anyway.
It shouldn't be stressful not to be in control, because God is in control.
I shouldn't be so intent on understanding everything, because God understands everything.
I have to trust. Because the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the Creator of all is in control of my life, and His way is always best.
P.S. I'm going to be taking an internet break next week for Memorial Day.