Emma Calls the Shots

I've long since learned that it's wise to listen to Emma Edsel.

She's a very temperamental character, tbh, so if she's in a cooperating mood, I have to jump on it. So I'm going from the pirate book back to Acktorek. Not that I don't want to write the pirate book, but Emma's ready for me to come back, and I'm ready to go back to her, and honestly, my emotional connection to Emma and Mitchell is a lot stronger than my emotional connection to Anthea and Edmund. I'll come back to the pirate book. But Emma's ready, and I can't let the opportunity pass.

Now, of course, I decided to go back to Acktorek in the middle of a really crazy week, so I'm not very far yet, but I'm liking this rewrite so far. Fingers crossed that it'll be the last major rewrite and I'll just be able to edit after this, but...we'll see. Emma may be ready for me to come back to her story, but she's still a complete mess, and so it's quite difficult to get right. And emotionally draining. But worth it.

And hey, audiobook recording for The Void is going well. And so is cosplay progress. My tunic, tabards, and obi are complete, and I've finished dyeing the fabric for my sister's and started on hers. Well on our way to transforming into Anakin and Obi-Wan! No, no pictures yet. But there will be. Possibly with photoshopped lightsaber blades, since I just have a hilt I had 3D printed at the library. Which is still cool.

Here, have the beginning of draft three of Acktorek: The Vanished. Probably won't be exactly like this in the published version, but here's the current version!

I hate graduations.

This one isn’t technically as bad as my last one. That one was open ended. This one gets me a job. But that job is one I really don’t think I can do.

Yes, I’ve trained for it. I’ve technically passed all the milestones, all the tests, all of everything. Mitchell thinks I’m ready. My therapist, Dr. Wilset, says it’s good for me to do.

But I can’t. They don’t know. They don’t know how badly I’ll fail. How badly I’ve already failed when it really, really mattered.

Oh, they say it wasn’t my fault. I go along with it. But it was. I didn’t do my job. I failed in my most important responsibility.

And I might know science. I’ve learned a lot of fascinating things at Acktorek Academy. I might have done well at logic and deductive reasoning. I might be just paranoid enough to be good at spotting deception. And I might have picked up the defense techniques pretty easily.

But that doesn’t mean that when it comes time to save the people I care about I won’t fail.

Just like I did last time.

P.S. BTW, watch Timeless. It's awesome.

Introducing Carla Edsel

 

Carla's my baby. I want to give her all the hugs. She's a brave and selfless girl, and at almost-thirteen, she's the youngest of the three point of view characters.

She's never known a time when her mom wasn't mental and her dad wasn't emotionally distant. She wouldn't know there ever was a time when things were different if Emma hadn't told her. And Emma herself barely remembers. Emma practically raised Carla, and Carla very much looks up to her older sister. They are quite different when it really comes down to it, but they're very close even so. Emma would do anything for Carla, so even though Emma isn't much into fiction, and especially isn't into speculative fiction, Emma has read Carla numerous L'Engle and Haddix books, in addition to fairy tales when Carla was really little. Those are precious memories to Carla.

Carla loves music. Even though Emma doesn't much care for music herself, she's actually responsible for Carla's love of music. Emma was trying and failing to explain the sunrise to Carla, and remembered she'd just had Grieg's "Morning Mood" in music appreciation at school. She played the song for Carla and that was the moment Carla fell in love with music. She loves playing piano, both Baroque/Classical/Romantic music, and modern songs such as "Let It Go." She is currently learning "Le Petit Noir" by Claude Debussy for a school talent show. But she will always have a soft spot for Grieg.

Carla can be kind of a mess. While Emma's room is sparse and neat, Carla's room is full of stuffed animals and audiobooks and clothes often end up on the floor. She also has a habit of twirling her fingers in her hair if she's concentrating or nervous or just trying to think, which often knots it up.

Carla has been blind since birth. It doesn't really bother her or hold her back—it's just a fact of life. The only thing is, she does feel like it makes Emma worry about her more, and makes things harder for her. Not that Emma wouldn't worry about her if she was sighted. She would. Emma's always done so much for Carla. Carla just wishes she could do more for Emma.

Carla's relationship with Emma is extremely important to her life, but her relationship with God is first. She has a strong, unwavering faith that inspires me. She's so young, but she's selfless and wants to do what's right no matter what the personal consequences are. I want to be like Carla when I grow up.

I love Carla so much and I can't wait for you to meet her properly next week!

Introducing Mitchell Banks

Mitchell Banks is the main guy in Acktorek: The Void, and he is not from our world. (Like my post about Acktorek itself, some of this isn't actually in the book, but just a part of my development of Mitchell's character/backstory.)

He comes originally from a world called Aglion, but he currently resides in the city world of Ebraria, from which the company Acktorek operates.

Mitchell grew up in Aglion with his family: his parents and his older sister Lara who married a teacher named Tucker and had two children, Anise and Jason. Mitchell was very close to his family, and Anise especially is a huge influence in his life. Aglion puts a huge emphasis on academics, and, as they supply Acktorek with some of its greatest scientists, it's a big deal to pass the Acktorek Preparatory Program, as Mitchell did.

At fourteen, Mitchell moved to Ebraria to attend Acktorek Academy, a four-year program that trains future Acktorek agents. Like I said before, it is their main program, but they do have other training programs as well. Mitchell's preference would have been special ops (basically investigating and taking care of weird sciencey things that happen, and all in all being Force-less, lightsaber-less Jedi/Team Flash/The Doctor people, and special ops is the best name I could come up with—though I could have gone with "Daddy" as a kid my sister babysits suggested), but he ended up in breach control. Which is typically a boring go-to-this-world-and-throw-a-neutralizer-into-this-breach-before-it-gets-toxic-or-otherwise-dangerous job. Only that's not how it's turning out.

Mitchell is a kind, compassionate person, who wants to help others. He experiences doubts about his abilities and adequacy. He's very dutiful, but also determined to do what's right, even if it means disobeying a direct order. He's stubborn and determined, but also knows when to back off. He has a soft spot for little girls because they remind him of his niece, Anise. He misses his family like crazy and will never get used to living away from them in a city instead of near them in the countryside. He likes to cook, he doesn't especially like shoes (though that never comes up in the first book), and he often runs his hand through his blond hair making it stick up (it's a similar cut to BBC Arthur and Luke Skywalker). He also speaks several languages and much prefers physics to biology. He's eager to please, but he'd much rather please his Heavenly Father than his superiors at Acktorek. And he has a tendency to get injured and not bother treating the wound until someone makes him. But he will 100% make sure you don't skip any meals.

All in all, he's a great guy who was a LOT easier to develop than Emma, and I hope you like him as much as I do. And I can't wait to write more stories about him. 😊

Introducing Emma Edsel

Technically I did a post about Emma a little over two years ago, but that was before I really got inside her head, so while that post is still mostly accurate, it's rather incomplete. Now to introduce her without giving major spoilers...

Emma is a high school senior with very little personal ambition. She has an interest in science, particularly biochemistry and molecular biology, but she doesn't feel free to pursue her own interests. She never has.

Until Emma was about four, her life was fairly normal. When her mother was pregnant with her younger sister Carla, however, everything changed. Mom went crazy, Dad became distant, and little Emma became largely responsible for bringing up her blind little sister.

Everything about Emma's life revolves around Carla. Emma's goal is to become financially independent as soon as possible so she and Carla can move out of the toxic environment that is their dysfunctional family. She wants to give Carla a stable life. And she doesn't feel that she can do that with Mom talking to people who aren't there and freaking out about nonexistent dangers, and Dad always being checked out emotionally. Carla deserves better than that.

Emma's a loner...with a best friend she can't get rid of. Grace Holland has considered herself to be Emma's best friend since they were four years old, ever since Emma spent lots of time at her house during her mom's pregnancy with Carla. The two girls are vastly different—Grace is happy, bubbly, and loves her fandoms, and Emma is angry, closed off, and thinks most fiction, especially spec fic, is stupid—but for all their differences and for all Grace never ceases to get on Emma's nerves, they still talk to each other every day and always sit together at lunch. Not that Emma has much of a choice in the matter.

Emma has no interest in boys or relationships. She's seen her parents. Sure, they love each other, but their life isn't exactly sunshine and lollipops. She doesn't want to deal with that. Nor does she have the time for a boyfriend. She has to focus on preparing to be on her own and supporting her sister. So does Grace have to keep pushing her to date? And pushing the new boy, Mitchell, on her?

Emma likes for things to make sense. To be under her control. She has a hard time accepting anything that's outside of her carefully constructed idea of how the world works. She's had so little control over the chaos that comes with her life. She has to hold onto what little control she has.

But that may not be possible.

Read an early copy of the book and help spread the word about the upcoming release!

What is Acktorek?

In short, it's a word I made up off the top of my head that has no etymology whatsoever. 😉

In all seriousness, though, it is (obviously) something very important to the Acktorek series.

Initially, it was a species, but then I decided to call the species Zambina (another word I'm not sure where it came from, except for maybe an subconscious twisting of Zamboni) and Acktorek instead became a company.

What kind of company? Well, to get to that, let's have a (made up) history lesson.

Note: Most of this isn't actually in the book, just in my worldbuilding notes, so it's bonus info. 😊

Caelan Macaulay, a scientist from the world of Ebraria, invented world traveling devices. Through these devices, he gained contact with scientists from Aglion (the homeworld of Acktorek main guy Mitchell Banks), and the technology made huge leaps. Within about 16 years, the devices became available to those who could afford it, which quickly caused immigration issues, along with space/time continuum issues. The Ebrarian government placed restrictions on world travel, but damage had already been done.

Affected worlds got together and formed the Council of Worlds to determine how to handle this growing problem. It resulted in the foundation of Acktorek, and the permanence of the Council of Worlds. Both institutions are somewhat independent of each other, but yet work closely together. A little more on that when I get to how I actually came up with Acktorek.

Initially, Acktorek focused on repairing damage directly caused by world travel. Within a few decades, they began getting requests for assistance on issues not directly related to world travel, which prompted a major expansion of Acktorek's services. This expansion caused a huge influx of immigrants into Ebraria turning it into a city world that's a melting pot of species and cultures.

Acktorek has a four-year training program (which is their primary program) that typically takes students of high school age. They also have an accelerated program that takes only one year but is harder to get into. Also, they have more specialized training, and everyone is required to do some form of continuing education.

Okay, history lesson over.

So what does Acktorek do? Well, think of it this way: put the Jedi Order and Team Flash into a blender with a heaping spoonful of Doctor Who and a dash of the Wood Between the Worlds, mix it up really well, and you've got Acktorek.

First off, this isn't a parallel world story. TBH, parallel worlds only make sense if you don't think about it too hard. Like, usually so many things are so different, yet the same people got married at the same times and had babies at the same time for enough generations for you to have a doppelgänger? So while I do enjoy stories with alternate realities/parallel universes, I prefer the more traditional fantasy concept of other worlds...even when said worlds have technological advancements and world travel is done by technology rather than by magic.

The portal technology is somewhat similar to the technology Team Flash uses to go to parallel universes, etc. though I actually came up with mine before I started watching The Flash. And as for the sorts of situations they help with, it's also similar both to the sorts of situations dealt with on The Flash and on Doctor Who. Weird science incidents, invasions of alien-like creatures, supervillains, honestly, the imagination's the limit.

But the primary inspiration for Acktorek actually comes from the Jedi Order. I'm most familiar with the workings of the Order from Jude Watson's books, and I started there and discarded the things I didn't want (like the no attachments rule, and taking small children to train). There's also nothing like the Force, but there are species with abilities such as telekinesis and telepathy, as well as there being empaths, though I don't delve deeply into all of that in book one. (Yeah, I know it's minus so many iconic things about the Jedi, but it was still my jumping-off point, and it's not like I could copy it.) But the main way that they're like the Jedi is that their whole purpose is to serve and help others. People ask for their help, and they send agents out to do it.

How do they work with the Council of Worlds? Well, I haven't gotten too deep into it, but it's similar to the Order. Actually, it's somewhere in between the old Jedi Order and Luke's Jedi Order (Legends). Basically, not as much a slave to the government as the old Order, but not quite as independent as Luke's Order. (Though he did move them off of Coruscant because the GA oversight was getting overbearing, assigning them government observers and keeping them from helping where people really needed help. But I digress.) Acktorek does have to keep accountable to the Council of Worlds, but they don't have to run operations through them. (That would get ridiculous really fast. But I haven't exactly worked out how they get their funding either.) 

When it comes down to it, I think of Acktorek agents as something like Jedi without the Force (and unfortunately without lightsabers) who travel to other worlds to help instead of to other planets. And with more specialized divisions. (Not that there aren't any divisions within the Jedi Order, but they're not emphasized much in the media I've seen.)

So that's a snapshot of Acktorek, and a (probably very vague) idea of what you can expect from the series. But hey, go ahead and check out these worldbuilding boards. 😊

Ebraria

Aglion

Carrie Mouse is Almost Here!

Carrie Mouse and the Piano Lesson comes out next week!

I'm super excited about this...as a music teacher, it's a story that's very special to me. So, to help you get excited about this book too, I want to share some fun facts about the book.

It's inspired by one of my students.

I had a student whose mom told me he was disappointed after his first lesson that he couldn't just sit down at the piano and play songs already, but he worked hard to learn the concepts he needed to play Star Wars music and did a great job playing a custom arranged Star Wars medley the next spring. (BTW, I'm pretty sure I've taught more John Williams in my studio than any other composer.) This was the primary inspiration for the book. I just decided it was best to go with something public domain for the song Carrie wants so badly to play.

Miss Legato's teaching method is loosely based on Step by Step by Edna Mae Burnam.

It's a series that's pretty much never used by anyone but me in my music circles, and it's kind of theory-lite, but I've had the best success with teaching kids to read music with this series. It teaches the notes one at a time, which is a lot easier for someone new to music to keep up with, particularly for auditory learners. (I have a much easier time teaching sight reading to visual and tactile learners.)

Miss Legato's statement "The more you practice, the faster you'll learn," is one I've used repeatedly.

Yep, trying to get kids to practice is a constant part of teaching music. I actually used a variation of this phrase with a student last week. Practice 40 hours a day!

(This book is a good excuse to go binge watch TwoSetViolin. 😁 Or...go practice.)

There is an object in Carrie's room that foreshadows the next Carrie Mouse book my sister and I have planned.

But I'm not going to tell you what it is. 😉

You're not going to find any five-stringed violins in this book.

I mean, this is about piano, so there aren't any violins, but the point is, my sister plays piano, so the illustrations of instruments are as accurate as can be on that scale. I've seen some really inaccurate portrayals of instruments in picture books and they always drive me crazy.

Music is amazing.

And teaching it is one of my favorite things. So is writing, so combining the two in this little story was a lot of fun, and I love the way Rebekah's illustrations came out. 

And I can't wait to share the book with you next week!

IllumiNations: Reflections of [Calhortea]

Yeah, I just felt like titling this post after my sister's favorite Disney World night show that no longer exists. Just because. I guess because the song's playing in my head because it's her text tone on my mom's phone. Anywho.

I was thinking some about worldbuilding, how it can be fun and overwhelming and when you're making another world you can literally throw it whatever you want as long as you can make it make sense (and obviously isn't unbiblical or anything like that). And honestly, that's what I did regarding Calhortea.

I've been working on recording Crannig Castle, so I've been spending time with my old characters in my old world and it's interesting to revisit. And think back on how much things changed from my initial concepts of the world.

Initially, it was very definitely a flat world surrounded by "the Cliffs of the End" which were ten giants high. And yes, there were giants who lived in "Ringlet Valley" at the foot of "the Cliffs of the End." As it developed, the giants, "Ringlet Valley," and "the Cliffs of the End" all vanished. I assume it's still a flat world, but I haven't explored beyond the official map published in the book. It could be round like a ball, I guess. I don't actually know.

Calhortz, Briznom, Chalton, and the River Everlong have been there since the earliest version. But...they moved. Chalton moved north (map 1 rotated clockwise) and has stayed there ever since. But Briznom was to the west and Calhortz to the east. Kalica appeared in map #2 at the foot of the Headstone Mountains, but it and Lake Oreb were on the wrong side of the Everlong. And the country of Lupesplee and the Stallion Mountains existed. Lupesplee we created with our more-like-a-cousin aunt and it was the home of Talking Beasts. The Stallion Mountains were based on what we used to play in the sandbox with plastic horses. It was the home of talking horses. I'm assuming they vanished after I tried to make the rabbit in Across the Stars talk and realized I lack the skill to write talking animals that aren't cheesy. C.S. Lewis has my undying respect for making talking animals work.

Somehow, Briznom and Calhortz switched sides of the Everlong, and instead of ocean to the north and east, it grew into a desert. My sister added the Yatachee Islands to the southwest, and there they have remained, going from a random insertion on the map to something integral to the story of Time Captives. And apparently Crannig Castle used to be called Kefinaught??? I didn't even realize it had a previous name until I pulled out the map to do this post. Olithea showed up north of Calhortz at this point, but I don't think it was peopled by elves. That came later.

Even the existing countries changed. Briznom started as a play I was trying to write with our childhood next-door neighbor called "The Kings of Briznom." The younger brother was going to usurp the throne with promises of lower taxes, etc. then break those promises and the people would want the other king back (he wasn't going to die). The good king was King James. Briznom's government has changed immensely since that standard monarchy, but the king is and will always be James.

Calhortz came from a dream. I was in an underground place with my brother (never mind I don't actually have a brother), and he battled a snake. And I was going to write a story based on that dream and it was going to be in Calhortz.

And then I had the idea for Creighton Hill (don't know where it came from), and set it in Calhortz. And threw in plantations and strytes and gladiators and dragons. I dreamed up Espionage and set it in Briznom, totally revamping the government and inventing traditions to make Vannie's life miserable, though still retaining somewhat of a more medievalish feel than what I gave Calhortz. I invented the kalicans and the strytes. I invented otages and crefi, intending them to have a bigger role, but when I changed Toarna from a White Witch-esque witch into a stryte, I dropped their role. (There were also originally going to be fairies. That didn't last.) I added pirates and explored the Yatachee Islands. I added merfolk and transformed The Crossways from a random thing my sisters came up with into something workable for the story.

Calhortea is always changing, expanding. I'm always finding new stories and characters. It's really the first world I ever created, for awhile the only one I was ever going to create, and it's dear to me. And so are its inhabitants, Adriel and Vannie especially.

You can really do whatever you want when you worldbuild. It can be fun. It may change significantly over the course of time, but it's fun to look back. And now I just really want to write the Espionage sequel and the Edmund Herb/Anthea Germainia story (which now has an ending that I wrote on the way back from Disney because Pirates of the Caribbean is an inspirational ride...the story just doesn't have a proper beginning or middle).

Happy worldbuilding!

Map #1

Map #2

Map #Official

Emma Tells Her Story

Last week, I talked about how I should have listened to Emma Edsel. This week, I'm going to share the new beginning of Acktorek now that I am listening to her. I posted the beginning of a previous draft last year while I was editing my NaNo draft. It covers basically the same material, only obviously in Emma's voice and with the added benefit of worldbuilding. So enjoy the snippet, and if you want, compare it to the old version and let me know what you think!

     Fact: He wasn’t like any of the other kids in school.

     He seemed, not exactly older, but…the only way I could describe it was more experienced. Not because he was sure of himself, somehow I was sure he was not, but because he had seen things. Things none of the rest of us had. Except perhaps me. For who, other than my family, in this quiet, peaceful Pacific town, knew anything other than a perfectly happy, ordinary life?

     He sat next to me in math class, his muscular form making me shrink away from his aura. Everyone except Grace knew better than to sit within a yard’s distance of me, and even that was because after twelve years of styling herself my best friend, I had given up trying to instill boundaries with her. I tried to keep my focus on my math assignment, to tune out Mr. Willman’s droning that we all knew was primarily directed at Chloe, to ignore Ella and Hayley’s gossipy giggles, to ignore this young man with a peculiar aura about him I couldn’t quite define. Who was unknowingly invading my personal space.

     I felt his eyes on me, the girl who did all she could to remain invisible. When so many other girls would more than willingly vie for his attention. My body tensed involuntarily, and I hung my head further forward to allow my hair to obscure my face. But still I could feel his eyes. Feel his presence beside me with a strange, prickling sensation.

     Ten minutes of that was all I could take. I whipped my head up, tossing my hair angrily over my shoulder, bitter accusations clawing their way up my throat. My eyes met his, a clear, calm blue that seemed to see deep into my soul, though the idea was beyond ridiculous. It still sent a shiver down my spine, the way his attention fixated on me, the way he wasn’t cowed by the fire I knew I sent his way the way nearly everyone else was.

     He nodded slightly towards the paper on my desk, a lock of blond hair falling over his forehead, though not far enough to obscure that placid blue gaze. “Emma, is it not?” His words were clipped in a peculiar manner, his accent nothing I’d ever heard.

     My jaw clenched and I wrapped my arm protectively around my paper. “None of your business.”

     “My name iss Mitchell Banks. I am new to Gondora Heights and I am staying with my aunt.”

     Something about the way every “s” came out soft and he ignored the existence of contractions made me cringe and draw back from him. Though if I was honest, my reaction was more likely simply because he was a human being other than my sister who insisted on directing attention at me.

     I shook my head in small, but rapid, motions. “We’re in math class. We’re supposed to be doing math.”

     He twirled a pencil through his fingers, his eyes never leaving me. “You appear to already know the concepts.”

     I dropped my gaze back to my math paper, letting my dark hair curtain me once more, shut him out. He wasn’t wrong. Math and science were full of facts. Solid, dependable facts. Unlike the other facts that ruled my life. That was why I already knew them well, because in my life, I needed something to depend on. Something I knew would never change.

     A pencil scratched the paper beside me, and though I was glad Mitchell had stopped speaking to me, I couldn’t help peeking through my curtain to see just what was taking shape on his assignment. It wasn’t the formula Mr. Willman had presented to the class. In fact, it not only wasn’t a formula I recognized, but the characters were strange. Ordinary Arabic numbers punctuated his writing, but in between were symbols and structures I’d never seen, even in my father’s calculus books, or in the strings of code I’d see flash across the computer screen when I used to watch him work. I couldn’t pretend to know everything, but I knew more than the average high school student in these areas, and this wasn’t normal.

     A moment later, he looked back at me, searching through my hair for my face. “I wass wondering if you could introduce me to our classmates.”

     I snorted, parting my curtain with my fingers, but only just. “No.”

     “Why not?” The question seemed genuine, as if he was truly confused as to why the solitary girl everyone ignored was unwilling to introduce him around, and his brow wrinkled to reaffirm his confusion.

     “They don’t talk to me,” I said in a small voice. Though likely it was more accurate to say I didn’t talk to them. Either way, I was not the avenue for him to make friends. And judging by his willingness to speak to me, in the middle of math class, no less, he wouldn’t have any trouble making friends on his own. A much better chance if he didn’t associate with me.

     “I think that is a mistake on their part.”

     I flushed and dropped my hair to hide it. If Ella or Hayley got any whiff of this conversation, I would never hear the end of it.

Book Bonus Features: Vannie and Kyle Bonus Scene

This is a scene I wrote awhile back that takes place in between Espionage and its sequel. It sort of bridges the gap between the two and is a game changer in Vannie and Kyle's friendship. Kyle is 19 at this point and Vannie is almost 16. Enjoy!

     I glanced back through the trees, laughing. Kyle wasn’t as fast a rider as me, not in the woods, anyway. I wouldn’t admit that he’d probably let me win. He’d slowed to a walk. I pulled up my horse to wait for him. He caught up moments later.

     “You beat me.”

     I flashed a grin at him. “Of course I did. I’m the faster rider.”

     “So you say.”

     I laughed again, not because he’d really said something funny, but simply because I was happy. Kyle was doing the same. We’d taken the being friends thing very seriously. It was long since I had begun to consider him my best friend in all the world. I couldn’t imagine life without him, honestly. He was as much a fixture in my life as my parents and sisters.

     I squinted up through the trees, trying to determine the time by the waning light. “It’s probably time to go back.”

     “I agree.” Kyle wheeled his horse around. “Come on, let’s go.”

     We walked our horses back, talking and laughing over nothings. I was slightly disappointed when we came in sight of the house, despite how my stomach was rumbling for supper. This lovely day was coming to an end, and soon Kyle would be returning home. He was only nineteen, not yet of age, but he still had duties to perform for his vassalage, particularly as his father remained imprisoned.

     “I’m going to miss you, Kyle,” I said.

     “And I’ll miss you. But we’ll see each other again. We always do.”

     My grin matched his once more. I couldn’t be sad around Kyle. I was too glad that he was there.

     Kyle dismounted at the stable and came to lift me down from my horse. He’d done it hundreds of times—I enjoyed letting him play the gentleman, even though I was perfectly capable of dismounting myself—but something was different. Something in the way I was suddenly conscious of his hands about my waist, or the way our eyes met. It took my breath away. He’d been my best friend for almost seven years now, but I suddenly realized that I loved him. And not with friendship type love, that had always been there, but with a marrying type of love. The sort of love that made me wish he would draw me into his arms and kiss me. The sort of love that made me determine that this was the man I had to spend the rest of my life with.

     I loved Kyle Roland.

     He stood as if frozen for a moment after setting me on the ground, his hands still about my waist, his lips slightly parted as if in surprise. Maybe it wasn’t just me that had had a revelation.

     He started and pulled his hands away. “Sorry, Vannie, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

     I do. But I knew I couldn’t say anything about it. There was that dreadful betrothal business we both had to deal with. “Don’t worry about it.” I couldn’t think of anything more to say without spilling. I didn’t need to.

     “Let’s go in. We both need to change before supper.”

     “Right.”

     We left our horses in the care of the groom and headed for the house. I wanted to slip my hand into his. As children, we had held hands quite often. Now, we were often more reserved in our physical contact—it came with being nearly grown up. I didn’t want to remain reserved. I wanted at the very least to hold his hand. But something told me I couldn’t do that.

     Just before we entered the back door, Kyle stopped and turned to me. “What happened a moment ago, we can’t ever speak of it, even to each other. It wouldn’t be appropriate. There are too many reasons why.”

     I nodded slowly, but couldn’t tamp down the swelling inside at Kyle’s mention that something had happened. It hadn’t just been my imagination, it hadn’t just been me. I knew it wasn’t right to speak of it, though. “I know. I won’t.”

     He looked relieved. “Traditions!” he exclaimed.

     I knew just how he felt. And I might never speak of it again, but that would never stop me from thinking of it.