My Journey Through Becoming Free Indeed

I was going to call this a review, but it really isn't. It's less of a review and more of my thoughts on and experiences with legalism after reading Becoming Free Indeed by Jinger Duggar Vuolo. Though I will say, I highly recommend this book, especially if you have any past with legalism, however big or small.

Honestly, I don't have nearly the legalism experience or damage that I see in a lot of people I know. Definitely nowhere near Jinger's experience.

My parents were always very careful to not promote legalism. They came from a Catholic background, and so they were wary of things that were about external rules and works-based models. The only things vaguely along any of those lines I can remember hearing from my parents were the purity culture ideas of chaperones and saving your first kiss for your wedding day. And while I heard a decent amount of purity culture ideas from various sources growing up, I didn't even know IBLP/ATI existed until I was in my mid to upper teens.

Even so, my personality and personal experiences primed me to be susceptible to legalistic ideas when I encountered them as a high schooler.

I'm a very literal person. Sure, I like discussing philosophical ideas, but if you're around me long enough (actually, it doesn't take that long), you will notice that I almost always discuss those more abstract things by relating it to a story. I need analogies. I need something more tangible in order to truly understand. It is also very difficult for me to not have something physical and tangible to do. For instance, while I know in my mind that prayer is doing something, and it is doing something very important, I frequently feel as if I'm not doing anything about a situation if all I am doing—if all I can do—is pray. Even if I'm praying about it constantly.

My early experiences also primed me to find purity culture very attractive. When I was very small, my primary experience with boys was a very contentious relationship with my cousin. (Ironically, he's the cousin I get along best with now—and yes, I 100% credit Star Wars with the shift in our relationship because that was the first time we had something to talk about that didn't involve fighting.) But because of that, I labeled all boys as jerks and wanted nothing to do with them. So all the purity culture ideas were a great excuse for me to avoid all males.

The idea of stay at home daughters and being under your father's protection (though I honestly knew very little of what was behind those ideas and how it tends to play out) was intriguing to me because I'm kind of a homebody (though I do easily get stir crazy if I go nowhere for more than 2 or 3 days...try to figure that one out), I like being able to control my own schedule, I'm not a risk taker, I get along well with my parents, and the things I enjoy working at are mostly arts-oriented things, and, well, I've said many times that "starving artist" is a thing for a reason. However, once I was a few years out of high school with no marriage prospects, no sign of ever making a living writing or teaching music, and also no possibility of making enough to pay for my life working at the public library, I did start to reevaluate my plan because I've never thought it was right to expect my dad to pay the majority of my bills indefinitely simply because I'm female.

Finally, I've always known I'm a perfectionist, and I've had to admit finally that I'm also something of a control freak. I like to have my plan, I like to have a say in what happens and how things play out, and I have a really hard time accepting that most of the time I don't. And while I'll say all day long that no one is perfect, practice makes better, God's grace is sufficient for all our mistakes and imperfections—and I have no problem extending that grace to other people—I have a really hard time accepting that grace for myself. To the point I actually had a professor tell me I should just let go about a math homework problem I accidentally skipped and wanted to make up. It was very hard to just let it go, even though bonus points on the tests more than made up for the points lost by that homework problem.

But still, as a child and preteen, I really never thought about rules. I didn't think about all the external things that these legalistic systems promote.

That isn't to say that I didn't want to know God better and serve Him more. Becoming a Christian gave me a hunger for God that wasn’t borne out of rules or fear or other people’s expectations. There was definitely a time when I changed from looking at the maps in my Bible when I was in trouble because I knew my mom wouldn't yell at me for reading if it was the Bible to truly desiring to read the Word. I wanted to please God, but out of love, not out of external rules.

But then things changed, when I was about 15 years old. And I'm only now realizing and unpacking what those harmful ideas were and how they affected me. When a Bible verse triggers a meltdown in Sunday School because said verse brings up all kinds of fears and doubts you've tried to bury but can't leave behind, well, it's kind of hard to deny it all anymore.

When I was 15, we started attending a church that preached a lot of legalistic ideas and sowed a lot of fear. Two passages in particular I remember being used frequently at this church in a manner that seemed designed to scare you into following God: Matthew 7:21-23 and 1 Corinthians 11:27-29. Jinger actually deals with the 1 Corinthians passage in her book, so I'll get to that in a minute. But the Matthew 7 verses were actually the ones that triggered my freak-out in Sunday School a few months ago. My current pastor preached those verses in a way that focused on grace. But for 2 1/2 years as a teenager, I heard them in a manner that caused me to doubt the sincerity of my faith. Coupled with other legalistic ideas at this church—such as strict ideas about Sabbath-keeping and the idea that Nativity scenes were probably breaking the second commandment by containing an image of Jesus, as if we’re worshiping our Precious Moments Nativity scene with the Lincoln Log stable at Christmastime (and yes, I did at the time think maybe we shouldn’t put it up even though previously I was all about the parts of Christmas that focus on Jesus)—I was constantly worried that I wasn't a good enough Christian. I needed to do more things to serve God so that God wouldn't tell me He never knew me.

It's only recently that I put together the (slight, compared to some) anxiety I tend to have over taking communion with the emphasis of 1 Corinthians 11:27-29. I was (and sometimes still am) afraid that some unconfessed or unrealized sin will mean I am taking communion unworthily. This is something Jinger struggled with for years. In her case, she would abstain from communion if she thought there was any chance she could be taking it unworthily. I've never abstained from communion, but not for any better reason than she did abstain. The majority of the churches I was raised in emphasized that anyone who was a Christian could take the Lord's Supper. And so I have always been concerned that if I skipped, people would think I'm not a Christian and since I didn't want that, I would take it anyway, hoping that I wasn't taking it unworthily and condemning myself. This pattern has been in place as recently as this year. What Jinger pointed out is that the whole passage is condemning those who use the Lord's Supper to feast and get drunk. That's not what the Lord's Supper is for. It is to commemorate Christ's death on the cross, to remember that He died to pay for our sins so that we can be free of our sin and someday live with Him forever in Heaven. We literally can't come to Him sinless and without fault. If remembering and confessing and repenting of every little sin we've committed was necessary to take communion worthily, none of us could. No one can actually identify and remember every sin they've committed, and I really don't think God wants us obsessing over all our mistakes. That just leads to constant guilt and condemnation rather than freedom and grace, which is what Jinger covers in her book far better than I am doing now. The point of the Lord's Supper is not to get us to worry and wallow in fear and condemnation, but to remember and celebrate that Jesus' blood has washed away our sins. And I hope that through God's grace, next time my church does communion, I can partake without any worry and guilt about my worthiness.

Something else that Jinger covered in her book that really hit home was on Bible reading. Reading your Bible is a very good thing. It is important to dig into the Word of God, to spend time with Him, learning about Him, growing closer to Him. But it is not supposed to be a burden or an obligation. When I first became a Christian around the age of 9, I remember truly wanting to spend lots of time reading the Bible. I still have wonderful times when I dig into the Word and really enjoy seeing what God has to say. And during my horrible fall semester when I was so sick and overworked, I spent a lot of time drawing comfort from Psalm 46. But I, like Jinger, have also had many times when I felt like a bad Christian if I didn't read my Bible because I was sick or having a migraine or whatever life thing that happened to make it difficult. For Jinger, sometimes it's things like kids getting up earlier than expected, something which doesn't apply to me. But the thing is the same. What she said about it really stood out to me: 

"I still have feelings of guilt when I don't read the Bible as much as I think I should....In those times, when guilt wants to rise in my soul and condemn me, I remind myself that the Bible doesn't tell me how much I'm supposed to read it. It does tell me to love it, understand it, and believe it. By not condemning myself when I miss a morning, I'm no longer being stricter than Jesus." (pg. 186-187)

I've spent a lot of time over the last decade feeling like I'm not a good enough Christian because I haven't spent "enough" time reading the Bible on a given day. But Jinger's right, God doesn't tell us how often to read the Bible, how much at a time, what time of day to read it or any of that. It says to know the Word, to hide it in our hearts, to love God, and all that. But honestly, I don't need to feel guilty if the first thing I do when I wake up isn't open my Bible. Because it's really okay that I'd rather not be half asleep when I read it. And it's okay if I miss a day because I had a migraine for hours. Or if I can't keep up with a read-the-Bible-in-a-year plan because that's just a lot and there's a lot on my plate now. But it is hard to not feel guilty about it.

That church wasn't the only place I found legalistic ideas that were harmful to me. Around that same timeframe I was a part of a Bible study that was based on material by Sarah Mally. I want to be clear that I do not hold the Bible study leader responsible for any of the legalism I experienced from Mally's materials. That leader is a very dear friend of mine who has been an incredible influence in my life and I still respect and look up to her tremendously (literally and figuratively, lol). I also still do not feel as if the lessons she actually taught pushed legalism. But the fact remains that it was through that that I received Mally's materials and I dutifully read all of it. There was one handout in particular that I really remember, one on polluting influences. In it, Mally discusses how her family got rid of their TV. She also discusses the bad influences of rock music and romance novels, things which I now recognize as being quite reminiscent of ATI teachings. When I read about how her family got rid of their TV, my first thought was that it seemed a bit extreme. But then worry and guilt crept in. Did I only think it was extreme because I was too attached to TV? Maybe it was a sign I wasn't actually willing to cut out polluting influences. What other things might I have in my life that I should get rid of?

The handout actually encouraged a TV fast. And I legitimately considered it. Ultimately, I didn't do it, because I had a feeling if I suggested it to my parents it probably wouldn't fly. I still don't think it would have. My mom cautioned me against legalism as a teen. But it did plant seeds of doubt about if I was a good enough Christian. If my family was doing enough to be Christlike. If I was holding onto things that were pulling me away from God by watching television. And honestly, the stuff I watched when I was in high school wasn't anything anyone should have worried about. Honestly, if 17-year-old me knew that 25-year-old me would watch The Office and enjoy it, well, to say I'd have been horrified would be putting it mildly. But that fear does still sometimes crop up. Should I have watched The Office as an adult? 

This, and Understanding the Times by David Noebel, caused me to start to even question the acceptability of speculative fiction. Yes, I questioned whether I should be reading Narnia and watching Star Wars. This was honestly, looking back, probably what pushed me into sorting out where I stand on writing fantasy magic. I do think it was a good thing that I sorted that out. I needed to know what I believe on it, and it was important that I do that research and prayer and soul searching. While I don't feel like I did a fabulous job articulating where I landed back when I was writing Time Captives, I haven't really changed where I ultimately landed. But it was a rough time for me, filled with guilt and worry.

It's pretty commonly known what the oppositions are to magic. I've already written about that. But I didn't really write about the fact that Understanding the Times made me think for years that it was probably sinful for me to watch and enjoy Star Wars. That book had frequent "pop culture connections" that used pop culture to illustrate different worldviews. Star Wars and The Lion King, I remember, were always cast in a negative light, used to showcase the dangers of cosmic humanism. My small comfort was that at least Narnia and LOTR were always in the Christianity section, so maybe at least those were okay. Now, I will admit that my initial Star Wars obsession was excessive and I badly needed to take a break. But I finally came around to the point of view that it's not inherently sinful for me to like Star Wars. Was Understanding the Times correct that there are some things in it that are incompatible with Christianity? Absolutely. But what I didn't get then, and by God's grace do now, is that it's actually helpful in developing your worldview to be able to sort out the good from the bad, to see the things that are true and helpful, and discern the things that are not. None of us will ever be able to read or watch things that we 100% agree with, and I did see that back when I read the "polluting influences" handout. But what I worried back then was that that meant I shouldn't be enjoying any of these stories that weren't 100% biblically accurate. Maybe I shouldn't watch anything secular. Maybe I shouldn't read anything with magic. And let me tell you, the idea that I possibly shouldn't read The Chronicles of Narnia, even knowing how many scriptural truths it illustrated for me, was one of the hardest things I ever had to work through. I definitely should have discussed it with my mom more than I did because she would have steered me away from this legalism, this worry that all these stories I grew up on were actually polluting and dangerous. 

I am very grateful that speculative fiction is one issue I have fully (or at least I think fully) worked through and put behind me. But writing about it, remembering that time, is making me tear up because it was hard. It was a heavy burden. But as Jinger pointed out in her book, God didn't put us under a burden. That burden is manmade. Stricter than Jesus. Because what Jesus actually said is that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Come to Him, all who are weary and heavy laden, and He will give you rest.

I’m a checklist person. And while this is incredibly helpful in making sure I turn in my school assignments on time, it’s very unhelpful in understanding Christianity. It makes me feel the same as when I put too many things on my to-do list and can’t get them all done in the day: unworthy, guilty, ashamed, a failure. That’s not what God wants for us. It says in Galatians that the law is a tutor to point us to Christ; in other words, it’s there to show us we can’t be perfect, but that we don’t need to be because Christ did it for us. 

This is why the “you are enough” thing is such a pet peeve of mine. I do personally struggle with thinking I should be enough, that I need to do more to be a good enough Christian. And like Jinger says, we should want to be more like Christ. But we’re never going to be able to follow enough rules to earn God’s favor and that’s not how He does it anyway. God in His perfect love sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Not because we loved Him, but because He loved us. We don’t have to clean up our lives before we go to Him. We don’t have to fear that we’ll mess up and cause Him to turn away from us because His perfect love casts out fear, He died for us while we were yet sinners, and any that come to Him, He will not cast out. It’s not ever anything we do, it’s what God does. His love is perfected with us that when the day of judgment comes, we can have confidence and not fear. 

There are so many verses about God’s love. Yes, God hates sin and He is very clear about what sin is and what the punishment is. But the Bible isn’t a rule book, something Jinger explains in depth. The Bible is God’s story, a book that tells of His character and His love for His children that is so great we really can’t even begin to understand it. God gives good gifts to His children because He is good and He loves us. So there is no need for us to be stricter than God and place extra burdens upon ourselves and others. Jesus died for us so that we could be free of the burden and punishment of our sins, and so that we could be with Him forever. And in Him, we are free indeed. 

Top Twelve Books of 2022

I'm officially making this a "top twelve" thing now because I'm just that kind of reader who can't narrow down favorites very well. It's been a long, kind of rough year (I'll get into that in my year in review post), and I wasn't sure based on my slow reading lately if I'd have a good list...but I read a lot of great stuff before this semester, and a few things since. 

Before I get into my list for the year, I have to mention my notable rereads/relistens because they don't qualify for the list, but y'all, Blood of Kings is even better the second time around! And so is Blades of Acktar. Such great stories, and they got me through a very rough semester for sure. Even while I'm sick, Vrell and Achan still make me so happy. And it's even better that I got most of them on sale via Chirp Audiobooks!

12. The Selection Series by Kiera Cass

I really wouldn't have thought I'd want to put this on my list. When I first started it, I was extremely underwhelmed. It's basically a dystopian The Bachelor with a prince and at first I found it rather eyeroll worthy. When I got to the end of the first one, I still didn't think it was that great, but strangely wanted to know how it played out. And then book two happened. I'd been listening to it, but I got to a certain part where things were going crazy, so I got the kindle version from the library, read during dinner, and less than 24 hours later, I'd finished the initial trilogy. As I was going into finals week with a lot of homework to do. And then the next week read the two books about the next generation. 

America Singer doesn't actually want to compete for Prince Maxon's hand in the Selection, but she enters anyway, and leaves behind her boyfriend (who I don't like anyway) for the palace. Where she challenges their caste system, causes all sorts of trouble, and ends up falling in love. And Maxon is the kind of guy that once you learn about his backstory, you want to wrap in bubble wrap. Such a fun series.

11. The Betrothed duology by Kiera Cass

Had to put this on too because I actually liked it better than The Selection. I checked the first one out from the library on a whim because I'd enjoyed The Selection, didn't get around to it until it was almost due, then read it in basically one night and decided it was a good thing the library didn't have the second one on kindle because I would have gotten no sleep. Hollis Brite is the king's love and is looking forward to being queen. But when a family from a neighboring country arrives as refugees, everything changes, true natures begin to be revealed, and deadly secrets are shared. Lots of political intrigue, and holy cow, the way the first book ended! No spoilers, but I was in shock. I had to wait a few days for the second book to come in at the library, but I read the entire thing in the car on the way to Disney and loved every bit of it.

10. Olivia Twist by Laurie Langdon

This one caught my attention years ago while browsing my library's ebook collection. Then I saw it on Kirk DuPonce's banner at Realm Makers (he did the cover). Then I got into an Oliver Twist mood and decided to rewatch the musical. And then saw Kara Swanson mention Laurie Langdon as one of her author friends and requested it from the library. Finally, I read it just the other day. I kind of feel like this book is for a particular audience, but I also feel that I fit that audience to a T. Like the author, I fell in love with the musical as a child (only unlike her, I was in a local production, I didn't just go see it), and then read the book later. And so I loved all the nods to the musical and the original book. 

Olivia Brownlow was disguised as a boy from birth to protect her, going by the name Oliver Twist, but when she was taken in by her uncle Brownlow after the Artful Dodger picked his pocket, she learned how to be a lady. Well, sort of. Ollie the street kid isn't totally gone, even though she's grown and expected to find a match. She still sneaks out in disguise to help street kids, and while she is technically engaged to a respectable young man, she's actually in love with Dodger, who is now going by his real first name of Jack (though not his real last name). And Monks is out there and dangerous, especially where Olivia is concerned.

9. The Wonderland Trials by Sara Ella

For this one, I actually got an ARC, and I really very much enjoyed it. It's sort of a dystopian Alice in Wonderland where those with the Wonder gene can access the Wonderland Reality. Alice's sister disappears and Alice herself receives a cryptic invitation to compete in the dangerous Wonderland Trials, during which many players go missing every year. I hadn't thought I was super familiar with the original before I read this, but I kept picking up different references and ways she wove in elements of the original that just made me appreciate it more. But it was still a very unique and original take on Wonderland and, as a nearsighted person myself, I loved that Alice wears glasses. And then the end leaves you hanging and ready for the Looking Glass!

8. The Secret Letters by Margaret Peterson Haddix 

As always, when a new Haddix book is released, it makes my favorites list. (There were actually two this year, both really good, but I decided to put the other on honorable mentions.) I'd been sick and overworked and barely reading, but one Sunday I read this entire book. And it felt great to read a book in a day, especially when it's as good as this one. Colin's mom helps people get rid of their junk. Neveah's dad sells people's junk. And when Colin finds old letters in an attic he and his mom are cleaning out, he sets out to unravel a decades old mystery and find out why two children from the past ended a friendship. And what that means for the future. It's just a really, really good story and I enjoyed it immensely.

7. Wishtress by Nadine Brandes

I preordered this and then got sick the day it came out, so it was a good while before I managed to actually read it. But I finally did and it was so good! Myrthe's tears grant wishes, but then she is cursed that her next tear will kill her. Bastiaan can stop time with a snap of his fingers, but in doing so he was responsible for the king's death. Myrthe wants to break the curse and Bastiaan wants to get rid of the Trials protecting the Well that gives people talents. And danger and deception and all kinds of great stuff. And the themes that came out in the end really made me think. I always love Nadine's books, and this one is definitely no exception. Plus it's a cool concept with intriguing worldbuilding. 

6. Kisses From Katie by Katie Davis Majors

This one I got on audio at a library book sale. It had a few scratches but was mostly intact, and wow did it make me cry. Like, a lot. But it's so good. This is Katie's story about how God called her to move to Uganda when she finished high school and all about her ministry there and the girls she adopted. It's very inspirational, very God-focused, and honestly heartbreaking seeing the poverty some people live in. But it's so wonderful seeing her testimony, how God can use anyone to touch people's lives, help them, and share His love. It's beautiful, but definitely prepare to cry. 

5. Single Isn't Second-Best by C.E. White and Philip Wilder 

Okay, technically I haven't quite finished it because I had a couple chapters left when I got sick and all my reading was derailed, and then my sister took it to read and I just got it back from her. But I've read most of it and it's really good and important (and not just because I'm quoted it it). Most Christian books about singleness are focused on "until you get married." The church seems to perpetuate this, and it's not really uncommon for singles to feel invisible and to get sick of well meaning people making suggestions about how they can find a spouse. Single Isn't Second-Best takes a very different angle to singleness, addressing the trials of singleness, acknowledging that singles often feel like second-class citizens even though we're not, addressing marriage myths, exploring what the Bible actually says about singleness, explaining the worth singles have in the body of Christ, and really shifting the perspective on singleness. An important read for singles and people who know singles (which pretty much comes down to everyone).

4. Heirs of Neverland duology by Kara Swanson

I actually went to the launch party for the second book, Shadow, at Realm Makers 2021 before I'd read either of them. But I fully intended to read them. And finally did read the first book on our Disney trip in August. And I have to say, it was an interesting experience reading it at Disney surrounded by Peter Pan stuff. And goodness, I loved them both so much! I love Claire and Peter, and Peter is such a mess but he has such a wonderful character arc, and so much danger and traumatic pasts and bad choices and sacrificial love and it's just so good! I read Shadow in pretty much one day once we got back from Disney and I was able to get a copy from the library and I had such a book hangover. Kara did a great job of continuing the story of Peter Pan while both honoring the original and making it unique. And now I want to go reread them both.

3. Shield Band by Tara Grayce 

New Elven Alliance book? Of course it's on my list! Now, naturally I assume Tara Grayce books are going to be good. Not just because she's my friend, but because she's a great writer with books that I always love. But I wasn't sure how invested I'd be in this one since Essie and Farrendel are no longer POV characters and it's focused on Essie's brother Julien and his intended troll bride Vriska. There was no reason to have any doubts. I came to love Julien and Vriska very much and they're just adorable and she's a great fighter but does actually have a soft side. And there's a deadly illness and suspicions of traitors and fighting and danger and romantic fluff and they're just so well suited for each other. I just love their story, and maybe I don't love them quite as much as Essie and Farrendel, but I still love them dearly. And seriously, if you haven't read Elven Alliance yet, DO IT NOW!

2. Daican's Heir by Jaye L. Knight

I debated how to rank these last two, almost decided to put them in a tie, but then decided to put the one you can actually read now first and the one you have to preorder second. And that's literally how I made the decision because they're both such amazing books that I love so much and have waited literal YEARS for.

Ahem. I FINALLY GOT TO READ THE ILYON CHRONICLES FINALE!!! Y'all. This book is amazing and so worth the wait. So much Jayrin fluff, and also danger and fighting and injuries (is this a theme in my favorite books? maybe?) and so many things brought full circle and Davira is scary evil and it's time for her to go DOWN and I just don't know how to be coherent right now. They're ready to go head to head with Davira for Arcacia, but of course things can't possibly go smoothly. I don't want to spoil anything, but you should definitely go reread the previous books so you can experience the full glory of this amazing book. Plenty of action and danger and torture, but also plenty of fluff and lots of time to wrap up all the story threads and I just can't wait for it to be released so y'all can read it! (The kindle version is available for preorder, but if you want a paperback like I do, you'll have to wait for the actual release to purchase.)

1. Eleftheria by J. Grace Pennington

This is the book I waited literally almost nine years for. Not a joke, not an exaggeration. My beloved Elasson was introduced in In His Image which I read on Christmas 2013 and now in 2022 I FINALLY got to read the book wherein he returns! And it was everything I could have hoped for and more. Well, I still don't have confirmation of my ship, but I'm still pretty sure I'm right. Most of my favorite things about this book are spoilers, but I'll say this: The Surveyor finally gets to return to Kainus Ge while Andi's life is being turned upside down by an attorney who's calling them out for infractions of policies and such (like Andi helping in medbay even though she doesn't have official medical training), and they get to see Elasson again and things go crazy and Elasson is as adorable as ever and I just want to unleash the fangirl squealing. Definitely worth the nine year wait and I'm even more excited about future installments than I was before. Such a fabulous series and it's another one of those that if you haven't read it yet, I don't know what you're doing with your life. So good!

And for honorable mentions: The School For Whatnots by Margaret Peterson Haddix, Smoke Screen by Terri Blackstock, Talking Back to Purity Culture by Rachel Welcher, Elite by Kristen Young, and The Stern Chase by John Flanagan.

What are your favorite reads of 2022?

Firmament: Eleftheria Review

They're finally going back.

Several months after the discovery of Kainus Ge, the Surveyor's crew has a new mission – to gather more information about the planet and try to negotiate a treaty with its ruler. Andi is excited at the prospect of seeing Elasson again, but the arrival of a legalistic attorney on the ship threatens to once again turn her way of life upside down.

How has Elasson fared on the treacherous desert planet in their absence? Can the crew find a way to help the people of Kainus Ge, or will their presence throw the civilization into chaos? And with loved ones absent and rules and regulations forcing unwanted change on her home, how can Andi find her place in the world?

*********************************

*cue the fangirl squealing*

Seriously, though, I'm not sure how I can make it through this review without dissolving into a puddle of fangirly happiness and totally spoiling the whole book.

Ahem.

Y'all.

I waited almost nine years for this book and IT WAS WORTH EVERY SECOND. See, I got book 2, In His Image, for Christmas in 2013 and proceeded to devour it, fall in love with Elasson (who I still 100% ship with Andi), and proceed to pester Grace for, well, the next nearly nine years about when I was going to see Elasson again and by the way, is my ship canon? Well, I still don't know if my ship is canon though there were moments that (okay, maaaaaaybe I'm just seeing what I want to see, but I don't think so) had my sister and me squealing and speculating. Even though Andi's still super annoyed with the Captain not so subtly trying to set her up—

Aaaanyway, trying to not be spoilery but ELASSON IS BAAAAAACK. Or rather, the crew of the Surveyor gets to go back to Kainus Ge and see Elasson again. *big cheesy grin* 

Why is it so hard to not spoil the whole thing?

It's just SO GOOD. 

But it's not all sunshine and roses getting to go back to Kainus Ge. A legalistic attorney is pointing out all the violations that are just a normal way of life on the Surveyor—like Andi working in medbay with the Doctor—and that's just the beginning. Helping the people of Kainus Ge with Basilius, Elasson's brother, being just as unfriendly as ever while not violating the rules and causing total upheaval to their way of life is hard enough...and then things go crazy and I had so many emotions, from anger to shock to elation to, well, fangirl squealing...

And oh, why are the things I love the most about this book spoilers?

I love seeing my Firmament family again, I LOVED revisiting Kainus Ge, I loved the roller coaster of emotions I went on as I read it in a matter of hours, and after this one, I am beyond excited for upcoming books. 

I really cannot express how much I loved this book, though if I admit that at 26 years old, thinking about certain elements of the story make me squeal and actually literally jump up and down, that might give you something of an idea.

Go read the Firmament series. I know I've said that many times over. But really, truly, I love it so much and I want y'all to experience the awesomeness too.

And we got to see Elasson again!

Top Twelve Books of 2021

Sorry, even with omitting rereads and combining series into single entries as per usual, I just can't get it down to ten this year. I've read so many good books this year that I want to tell y'all about. And I'm also going to have honorable mentions because I can't not. Before I get to my list, though, I want to mention my rereads of the year, because obviously they're good enough to get attention: Ranger's Apprentice, The Lunar Chronicles, The Hunger Games trilogy, and Percy Jackson, all on audio through my library. They're great stories that were definitely worth the revisit.

Now to my top twelve new-to-me books of 2021.

12. Balance Point by Kathy Tyers

The New Jedi Order series has been rather hit or miss writing-quality-wise so far, but I consider this one to be solidly in the better half of the series. Plus, Kathy Tyers is a Christian, a Realmie, and an Enclave author, and how cool is that? Balance Point is somewhat towards the middle of NJO, and one of my favorites partially because of the author, but also largely because this is the book where Luke and Mara find out they're expecting Ben. Ben Skywalker is precious to me, and Kathy does a really good job writing Luke and Mara. After all, she shipped them right off when she first read The Thrawn Trilogy. This is also where Han and Leia reconcile after Han's difficulties dealing with Chewie's death, and there's great stuff with the Solo kids too. It's well written and on the whole, Kathy does a good job with the characters. It's a good one.

11. Traitor by Matthew Stover 

Matthew Stover has the kind of talent writers dream of. It's hard for me to put my finger on exactly what about his writing is so good, but his talent seems to be well recognized among both the fandom at large and the other Expanded Universe writers. This is the story of Jacen's experience as a Yuuzhan Vong POW, and it just really delves deep into who Jacen is, philosophy, emotions, torture...all the things. What really floors me is how he can effectively switch between past and present tense in a way that feels totally natural and really packs a punch and is just perfection. I'm not sure many—if any—other authors could pull that off. And for Stover it works so well. It's a very character-focused book, which I love, really explains a lot of what Jacen does in the future, and is just good. The bit where Jacen went home to his family's apartment on Vong-formed Coruscant and sat there lethargic and hallucinating his dead brother broke me.

10. Soulminder by Timothy Zahn

This one was rather different. It's not exactly a novel so much as several stories about the same topic. Dr. Adrian Sommers, who lost his son in a car accident, devotes his life to developing Soulminder—a technological marvel that temporarily captures the human soul to be reunited with the body once the body has been repaired. A device that could have saved his son’s life. But not everyone thinks of Soulminder as simply a medical miracle. There are other ways to use it, and the ways it is corrupted get worse and worse. Sommers was warned that Soulminder could become a demon. And now he has to decide what to do about it. It's odd, but fascinating, and really makes you think deeply about your immortal soul, ethics, death, and what it truly means to be alive. It's also the only non-Star Wars Zahn book I've read and I do believe I should read more.

9. Rain Reign by Ann M. Martin

Full disclosure: This one made me cry. I was 100% bawling in the car on the way home from teaching violin while I was listening to this book. Rose Howard has high functioning autism, a single dad who doesn’t understand her and only gets mad when she acts like herself, a beloved uncle, a beloved dog named Rain (reign, rein), and an obsession with homonyms and prime numbers. (I personally prefer numbers that are a power of a whole number, but that’s okay. Rose can like her prime numbers.) Rain gets lost during a hurricane and Rose has to find her. But what ensues, well, some things happened that I wasn’t expecting and there were jaw drops and tears. While I was driving, mind you, since this was my car audiobook. I don’t want to give spoilers, but read this book. The ending felt a tad abrupt, but that’s really the only complaint I have about it. I love Rose and I love Uncle Weldon, I can’t stand Rose’s dad, and I have so many emotions about this book. So just go read it.

8. The Messengers by Margaret Peterson Haddix

Did Margaret Peterson Haddix release a new book? Yes? Then obviously it's on my top books of the year post. I reread the previous books in this series via audio in preparation for the release, and I'm glad I did. This series, like the rest of Haddix's books, is fabulous. Secret codes, mysterious events, the kidnappings of children with the same names and birthdays as the three main characters...putting duct tape over my mouth right now because if I say anything else I’ll definitely tread into dangerous spoiler territory. This one was very good and I feel like it was especially relevant. Seek truth. Make your own choices. Don’t blindly believe what your leaders say. Don’t live in fear and despair. And love others. Help them. Because nothing combats fear and lies like love and truth. Is it the strongest book of the series? No. Ending series still isn't Haddix's strong suit, though I'd certainly argue that this book was a far better ending than the final book of The Missing (which is still my top favorite Haddix series despite the last book having a different protagonist than the first seven). And while I may not have talked up Haddix books on here the way I have others *cough* Elven Alliance *cough* y'all definitely need to check out her books. There's a reason she's one of my favorite authors and I already have her next book on hold at the library even though it doesn't come out until March.

7. Hunger by Jill Williamson

Now, I probably should have reread Thirst before I read Hunger. I had to pull it out a few times to refresh my memory. ("Wait, how did Hannah hurt Eli's hand again?") But even so, it was great. Having read The Safe Lands now, it was really cool making all the connections about why different things became the way they were, how different family lines ended up in different places, etc. I'm not quite sure what to say about this book that won't spoil it and/or The Safe Lands, but disease, questionable “government,” danger, intrigue, PTSD, drama 🙄 Jaylee 😜, Eli is awesome, I love Hannah, and go read these books and The Safe Lands. Because they’re awesome. I wanted to reread Safe Lands after this, but I'd have to get the first two from the library, and I've had so many new-to-me books to read I just haven't gotten to it. Plus, I do most of my rereading on audio these days. Hint, Jill?

6. Dark Journey by Elaine Cunningham

So far, this is my favorite NJO book for a couple of reasons. (1) It's character-driven and well-written. The writing of some Star Wars books is mediocre at best, but that's certainly not the case with this one. (2) The author read the Young Jedi Knights series before writing this and it shows. There are certainly times when characters get mischaracterized in SW, particularly when children's book characters are brought into the adult books. Not the case in Dark Journey. Elaine Cunningham showed herself to have an in-depth knowledge of the Solo kids and their friends. (3) Hapan politics is fascinating. Hapes is a mess of power plays and backstabbing and assassination attempts, and it makes a fascinating and dangerous setting for Jaina to work out her grief over the loss of her brothers...a grief that leads her towards the Dark Side. (4) Jag Fel is back! I've loved Jag since I first met him in Fate of the Jedi (yes, I read SW ridiculously out of order), but when early in NJO he told off crooked, conniving, self-centered, just plain awful politician Borsk Fey'lya, he cemented himself as one of my favorite SW characters. Jag is just 😍. Plus I'm a big fan of Jaina Solo. Even though she's spiraling into a dark place in this book. I mean, she just tragically lost both her brothers and she's too much like her father to handle it well. (Apparently the GR reviews of this one are mostly bad? Whatever. I loved it.)

5. Dangerous Secrets by Mari Mancusi

I may be a little stitious because after starting off 2020 with a Frozen II tie-in novel, I wasn't sure I wanted to start off 2021 with a Frozen II tie-in novel. But my love of Frozen won out and I got it from the library anyway. Did it cast bad luck on 2021? Maybe. 😂 Anyway, this is my favorite Frozen book I've read. I mean, I've only read three, but still. This is the story of Iduna and Agnarr, Elsa and Anna's parents. It took me a few chapters to get into it because it started off just rehashing backstory from Frozen II, but once it got into original material, it was fabulous and amazing and I loved it. Iduna is keeping the secret that she's actually Northuldra, but she can't do that forever. Especially since she and Agnarr are becoming more than just friends. It was just a really good story, it really pulled me into the world of Frozen, and I'd consider it a must-read for every Frozen fan.

4. Apprentice by Kristen Young

Realmie book! The instant I saw this book in the Realm Makers bookstore, I knew I had to have it. The cover just spoke to me. Then when it won several Realm awards and they read an excerpt during the announcement, I doubly knew I had to have it. I didn't get around to it until Thanksgiving break, but then I read it in two days. And now I desperately need book 2. Apprentice Kerr Flick remembers everything... except for anything that happened to her before she was five. She wants to be the best of the best in the Love Collective, and her perfect memory may get her there, but then she starts having strange and frightening hallucinations that threaten to disrupt her understanding of all she knows. It's a dystopian, and as a dystopian reader, it's pretty obvious what the Love Collective truly is, even if it isn't to Kerr Flick, but that didn't matter to me. I still loved it to pieces and dreamed about the characters the night I finished it. Sif! 😭 And I need Elite. 

3. Escape From Falaise by John Flanagan 

New Ranger's Apprentice book? Of course it's on my list. (I feel like if you've been following me for a couple years and have a general knowledge of what books came out in a given year, you can pretty well predict a good portion of my list.) I may have told multiple professors about this series the week it came out because I just couldn't help myself. I may also have jabbered on about the series to coworkers. I wouldn't say Escape From Falaise is the strongest book in the series since at times it felt a little rushed, but I still loved it and read it in two days during Thanksgiving break. Will and Maddie and Halt and Horace! I love them all so dearly and any time I get to spend with them is well worth it. At the end of the last book, Will and Maddie were captured while trying to rescue a kidnapped prince, and this book sees them out of that cliffhanger and through the end of the adventure. I definitely listened to the "one more chapter" lie way too many times when I was in the middle of this book, but I was on break. Sleep deprivation is okay. Also, if you haven't read Ranger's Apprentice yet, seriously, what are you waiting for?

2. Once Upon a Wardrobe by Patti Callahan

I cried. And then I walked up the stairs and handed it to my mom, and she cried too. Megs Devonshire’s little brother George, who has a terminal heart condition, becomes captivated by the new book The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and has to know where Narnia came from. Since Megs goes to Oxford, he begs her to find out. Jack and Warnie invite Megs over repeatedly to tell her stories of their lives, but it doesn’t explain Narnia to her…or does it? It may not be able to be explained in a concrete, mathematical manner like Megs wants, but it’s life changing nonetheless. I read this book in a single day, the last day of Thanksgiving break, and I loved it so incredibly much. As a Narnia and C.S. Lewis fan, it filled something in me I hadn't realized needed to be filled, and it's just such a beautiful (and heartbreaking) book. Narnia fans everywhere, do not miss this book.

1. Troll Queen and Pretense by Tara Grayce 

I don't yet have a copy of Pretense, so this photo will have to do. ESSIE AND FARRENDEL ARE SO ADORABLE AND EDMUND AND JALISSA ARE SO ANGSTY BUT THEIR STORY IS PERFECT AND ALL THE DANGER AND INTRIGUE AND ALL THE FLUFFINESS AND YES, ALL CAPS ARE ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Ahem. I can't say a ton about the storyline without giving spoilers for earlier books, but Elven Alliance remains amazing, I read them as quickly as is possible, and I want a Farrendel. Farrendel as a college student is adorable and Farrendel excited about becoming [redacted] is even more adorable and I love it so much. Also, I really like the fake dating trope, which is how Edmund and Jalissa's story plays out. And...okay, I'm having trouble determining what would be spoilery and what wouldn't, so I'd better put some duct tape over my mouth now just in case. Read Elven Alliance. And fangirl over Farrendel with me.

Honorable mention goes to the Unblemished Trilogy by Sara Ella and Brand of Light by Ronie Kendig for being awesome, though it was a little difficult to keep all the characters straight, and to Bluebeard and the Outlaw and Stolen Midsummer Bride by Tara Grayce for also being awesome, if a little short. For the full list of books I've read in 2021, click here.

Top Ten Books of 2020

 I swear, this has been the hardest year to narrow down my top ten books.

Quick update, before I get into it...I finished draft 2 of Acktorek Book 2! Didn't quite make 50,000 words, so I didn't technically win NaNo, but I made my goal, and that's what matters. It's still messy, but it's a huge step in the right direction. My poor Emma. And Mitchell. You don't want to know what I did to him in this book...

Anyway, let's get on to my book list for the year. It was SOOOOOOO hard to narrow down. Seriously. I've read/listened to over 100 books this year and still counting. And even though a lot of them were in series and some were rereads (or relistens...Narnia...), that's still a LOT to narrow down to my top favorites. Because there were so many good ones! And I'm still not sure this list is entirely accurate, but I did my best. And there will be honorable mentions at the bottom.

So. Here goes.

10. If I Run series by Terri Blackstock

I was first introduced to Terri Blackstock this year via the Restoration series, which I very much enjoyed. I've since listened to a number of her books, all of which I've liked, but this series is my favorite, so it goes on the list. Casey Cox's DNA is all over the crime scene. It looks like she's the killer. But something just doesn't add up. And Dylan Roberts, tasked with tracking her down, is determined to find the truth. Even if it's not what the authorities want found out. This series is so intense and action packed and deep and emotional. I was listening to it while doing inventory at the library, and it definitely made the time go by faster. One of those series that made me text family members going, "Did this really just happen?" Actually, that seems to have happened a lot this year. Recommended for older teens and adults because of certain criminal and abuse situations.

9. Fireborne by Rosaria Munda

This was kind of a random read after Jill Williamson mentioned it, and I'm glad I went for it. It took me a decent portion of the book to really get oriented in the worldbuilding, but once I did, wow. Dragonriders, revolutionaries, alliances, family, secrets, past trauma, terrible decisions that need to be made, and did I mention dragons? Dragons are always awesome. Probably will need to give it a reread before the next book comes out next year, but I ended it going, "Wait, you mean I have to wait to find out what happens next?" There's a little bit of crude language, but on the whole, it's pretty clean. And super exciting. 

8. Fate of the Jedi series by Aaron Allston, Christie Golden, and Troy Denning

First time I've actually gone ahead and put Star Wars books on my top ten list. I've read so many (and I've enjoyed them so much) that how could I not? It was hard to decide which made the list, but I decided to let Fate of the Jedi win out. Even though Mara's dead at this point in the timeline. 😭😭😭 Because this series is epic. And Luke and his son Ben are just... 💕 Luke's being held responsible for Caedus, so he goes into exile to trace his steps and find out what went wrong, and sixteen-year-old Ben insists on accompanying his dad. Meanwhile, Jedi are going mad, insisting that their friends and family are all imposters, and Chief of State Nataasi Daala is enacting a plot against the Jedi, and there's the Lost Tribe of the Sith (which includes young Vestara Khai who I actually really like despite her bad decisions), and ties to the Mortis arc in The Clone Wars, and it's all pretty epic. (Plus there's Jaina Solo and Jagged Fel and I just love them.) Now, this is towards the end of the Legends novels timeline, so there's a lot of in between stuff I just know the gist of, so now I've read Young Jedi Knights and once I get through New Jedi Order, Dark Nest trilogy, and Legacy of the Force, I'll proooobably give it a reread. You know, once I actually know who everyone is. Not that I didn't (obviously) love it anyway.

7. Angel Eyes trilogy by Shannon Dittemore

This is another one I can attribute to Jill. She posted about Shannon's new book, Winter, White and Wicked. Well, it was too new to get from the library, so I decided to try her earlier books instead. And I ended up loving it. It reminds me a bit of Peretti, but it didn't freak me out the way This Present Darkness did. Not sure if it's because Angel Eyes is legit less scary or simply because I'm no longer a young teen. Anyway, it's about spiritual warfare and angels and halos and what fear does and about faith and fighting for what's right. And it's really powerful. I have to admit, I felt like the romance was a little instalove and I don't love that, but I like Brielle and Jake's pretty awesome, so I got over it. Brielle's a dancer, and while I felt like detail in that area was avoided, I still loved that she's a ballerina. It gets pretty intense and people die and it's sad, and it's awesome, and I definitely like Shannon Dittemore. Just hope I get Winter, White and Wicked for Christmas so I don't have to wait until the library decides it's no longer "new." And I don't want to know how late I stayed up Thanksgiving night finishing the last book despite being tired and having more than half the book to go. I couldn't stop reading, okay?

6. The Safe Lands trilogy by Jill Williamson

Was it really this year that I read this series? Pre-quarantine seems so long ago. First, I only recommend it for mature teens and adults because the dystopian world is quite depraved, much of the plot deals with an STD, and teen girls are kidnapped and forced into a reproductive program to (hopefully) produce uninfected offspring, and thus it deals with reproduction a lot from a scientific/biological standpoint. It's heavy stuff and not for every reader. That said. Wow. This was a pretty intense, medically focused dystopian, and I LOVE that sort of thing. Not quite sure why. But I do. Betrayal of your family, redemption, what faith really means, figuring out how to not die...the story is rushing back to me as I write this, and I don't want to give spoilers, but it was pretty awesome. A little unresolved, but I guess that's okay. It's not the kind of story you can wrap up with a neat little bow.

5. The Deceivers by Margaret Peterson Haddix

Margaret Peterson Haddix remains awesome. This is the second Greystone Secrets book—the first one was in last year's list and the third will undoubtedly be in next year's—and it's just as awesome as you would expect from a Haddix book. Chess, Emma, and Finn's mom is stuck in the parallel world along with their friend Natalie's mom, Mrs. Morales, and things are about to go from bad to worse. Danger, getting stuck in other worlds, puzzles that are nearly impossible to decipher, not knowing who to trust...and things aren't over. Next book in April!

4. Thirst by Jill Williamson

Second book I read this year. And man does that seem like a long time ago! This is actually a prequel to The Safe Lands trilogy, all about what happened initially to cause all the disease and awfulness that is that trilogy. A waterborne disease has sprung up worldwide, killing people and animals alike in droves. (Yes, it freaked me out a bit to see roadkill while driving to a student's house when I was in the middle of this book.) Eli is on a church trip when everything—happens. Trying to get home with no electricity, no communication, difficulty getting gas, dead bodies literally everywhere, very little that's safe to eat or drink, and people trying to kill you over basic necessities. No run on toilet paper, though... Anyway, this book was super intense, a quick read because how do you put it down? and just awesome. Now, if only the Hunger release date would get here so I can read more of Eli's story.

3. The Healer's Apprentice by Melanie Dickerson

Melanie Dickerson is one of those authors I've been aware of for a long time, but hadn't gotten around to. (Part of that was because for a while the only one my library had was The Huntress of Thornbeck Forest and I've never been able to like Robin Hood stories...though now I've given that particular book a chance and loved it, mashed up with Swan Lake as it was.) I've been listening to a lot of books at work this year, and after my sister gave it a listen, I decided to try it. And became a tad bit obsessed with Melanie Dickerson, and very much annoyed that my library only has three of her books on eaudio. It's a historical Sleeping Beauty retelling (also not one of my favorite fairy tales), but after a few chapters I was totally invested. Some things were predictable, especially knowing that it was Sleeping Beauty, but honestly, overall it was less predictable than Cinder, and we go into fairy tale retellings for a new take on an old story, not for something brand new. I'm rambling. Anyway. This book was awesome. One of those texting-my-sister-"did-that-really-just-happen?" books. I said earlier this year that I like my romance with a side of near-death. Melanie Dickerson DELIVERS on that every time. It's a perfect blend of sweet, fluffy, fairy tale romance and people literally almost dying. It's great. And I'm almost done with my library stack, so I'm thinking I need to load up on Melanie Dickerson next.

2. The Underland Chronicles by Suzanne Collins

If you've been following my blog this year, you're not surprised. I did a post about the series earlier this year trying to detail my love for it without giving spoilers, which was a momentous task. THIS SERIES IS SO GOOD. I mean, yes, I still love THG more, but I've also read it more times. I've always loved underground stories, and this is 100% that. And while it's not technically portal fantasy by the strictest definition, since Underland is in this world, just beneath it, it's basically portal fantasy. Gregor and his little sister Boots fall down a shaft in the laundry room and find themselves in Underland, the subjects of many prophecies, and end up going on quests and participating in fighting a war, making many friends (and also enemies), and it's just awesome and definitely a series I'm going to have to reread. But I've already said a lot about it this year, so go check that post out. "Fly you high, Gregor the Overlander."

1. Elven Alliance series by Tara Grayce

Essie! Farrendel! I need Troll Queen, like, now! Yeah, no one is probably surprised I'm putting this first on my list. BECAUSE IT IS SO AWESOME AND YOU MUST GO READ IT NOW. I read all of these as much in one sitting as is possible considering work and meals, but basically when I get a new one, I drop everything and only the most necessary things get done until I've finished it. And no, sleep does not count as a most necessary thing in this case. Essie agrees to marry an elf prince to create an alliance between her human kingdom and Farrendel's elf kingdom, and there's danger and war and kidnappings and betrayals and emotional trauma and choosing to love and FARRENDEL IS THE MOST PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL (though technically I guess he could kill you if he really wanted to) AND I AM GOING TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM TARA AND WRAP HIM IN BUBBLE WRAP AND PUT HIM WHERE SHE CAN'T HURT HIM ANYMORE AND HE CAN BE HAPPY WITH ESSIE. There. Read it. And wait anxiously with me for Tara to finish writing Troll Queen. Because I need it. I'll never get enough of Essie and Farrendel. My precious babies.

Honorable mentions: Crucible and Tatooine Ghost by Troy Denning, The Warrior Maiden and The Huntress of Thornbeck Forest by Melanie Dickerson, The Thrawn Trilogy, The Hand of Thrawn duology and Survivor's Quest by Timothy Zahn, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins, Poison's Dance by Tricia Mingerink, and the Restoration series by Terri Blackstock.

And I have to feel sorry for King's Folly by Jill Williamson and The Missing Prince by John Flanagan which I fully expect to be amazing, but will be read in December and therefore not actually make it onto a top ten list.

What are your favorite books of 2020?